Q. Why do anisette-
Private Eye’s Colemanballs
Send in your competition answers with your name, age and how old you are.
… and for those of you watching who haven’t got TV sets live commentary is on Radio 2.
Ahh yes, Mohammed -
Kid Jensen (Now David Jensen) Radio DJ
Black Country Humour
“Ello, ower kid. Ow yer bin doin?”
“Since I sid yo’ me an’ the ode ‘ooman have got a divorce.”
“Goo on? Wot ‘appened to the ‘ouse yo’ said was in yower naeme an’ ‘er’n?”
“We shared it fifty-
“Ow the ‘ell did yer manage ter dew that?”
“T’wor no trouble. ‘Er tuk the inside an’ I got the outside.”
“I doe think that new school my young kid goes to is enny good at all.”
“What makes yer think that?”
“They mek ‘im spell taerters wi’ a ‘p’ !”
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot !
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
From Tim Vines Joke Book
I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length.
I’m amazed how many people go to Ascot when its windy. Still, hats off to them.
Me and my brother inherited some furniture from the local zoo. I’m glad to say I got the lion’s chair.
I saw this extinct bird with a hunchback. It was Quasidodo.
My girlfriend is covered from head to toe in grass. Her name’s Lorna.
My uncle’s mad because he wears a wiggly jacket. Whereas my auntie, she wears a straight jacket.
I saw a coconut flavoured biscuit playing football. It was Wayne Macarooney.
I’ve got a sponge front door. Hey, don’t knock it.
I was working in a health food shop and this bloke walked in. He said, evening primrose oil? I said Mr Vine to you.
You invented Tippex -
I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.
People with guns who say give me your money. You’ve got to hand it to them.
It’s about time you bought the book.