NOTE: The great Imperial pint, which was also the standard measure in Australia, India, Malaya, New Zealand, South Africa, and other former British colonies weighs 1.2528 pounds, which is very close to a popular saying for the Imperial pint: "a pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter".
Father to son: “I hear you skipped school to play football” Son:” No, I didn’t and I have the fish to prove it.”
He doesn’t like to drink. It’s just something to do while he gets drunk.
Whiskey is a great drink - it makes you see double and feel single.
Sign over a pub bar: “Due to the water shortage, beer will now be served at full strength.”
I never drink unless I am alone or with someone.
A man goes into a pub and says, “I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.” The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, “Oi, Doris, Someone to see you!”
“I drink to make other people interesting.” Groucho Marx
What has four legs and goes “Boo”? A cow with a cold.
What’s the difference between a hamster and a cow? Cows survive the branding
What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between her toes on her left foot and a corkscrew between her toes on her right foot? A Swiss Army wife.
Girl to mother, I’ve been out with dozens of boys and haven’t let one of them kiss me” Mother, “Really? And which one was that?”
Harry and Tom are discussing former girlfriends. Harry say, “ I once dumped a girl because she had an incurable speech impediment.” “That was cruel,” replies Tom, “What was her problem?” Harry replies, “She couldn’t say ‘Yes’.”
Advice to single girls - don’t look for a husband, look for a bachelor.