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Little Bits

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NOTE:
The great Imperial pint, which was also the standard measure in Australia, India, Malaya, New Zealand, South Africa, and other former British colonies weighs 1.2528 pounds, which is very close to a popular saying for the Imperial pint: "a pint of water weighs a pound and a quarter".

A bear goes into a pub and says to the barman “I’ll have a whiskey and ………… soda”
The barman says, “Why the big pause?”
“Dunno,” says the bear “I’ve always had them.”

A group of fonts walk into a pub. The landlord shouts at them “Get out of my pub. We don’t serve your type here.”

A skeleton walks into a pub and says “I’d like a beer and a mop…”

I was tired one night and I went to the pub to have a few drinks. The barman asked me “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

A man walks into a pub and the barman notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his trousers.
“Hi,” says the barman. “What’s the steering wheel doing down your trousers?”
“Oh, don’t start me on that,” says the man. “It’s driving me nuts”

What do you call a woman with a bottle opener in one hand, a knife in the other, a pair of scissors between her toes on her left foot and a corkscrew between her toes on her right foot?  A Swiss Army wife.

Girl to mother, I’ve been out with dozens of boys and haven’t let one of them kiss me” Mother, “Really? And which one was that?”

Harry and Tom are discussing former girlfriends. Harry say, “ I once dumped a girl because she had an incurable speech impediment.” “That was cruel,” replies Tom, “What was her problem?” Harry replies, “She couldn’t say ‘Yes’.”

Advice to single girls - don’t look for a husband, look for a bachelor.